The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.

Fernando Pessoa

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Then you realize that there was a truth to what you said some ages ago. You didn’t want to do this or that with him/her because you don’t want to end up missing him/her when he/she is gone. And he/she will be gone eventually. Sooner or later. Sometimes sooner than you think. Vanish. Ninja. Kaput. Thin air. Because people always leave. And not always in a fashion that you hope they would.

And sometimes, in the most random of moments, you think about them and you feel that feeling of “longing”. You’re just not sure if it’s a longing for that person or for the idea you have of that person or for something else entirely.

So with your chin resting on your hand, you drink your coffee, and you wallow.

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Would go home early tonight to work out.

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But still 56 minutes.

Let’s hope I manage to pull myself out of bed tomorrow and that Shaun T’s Rockin Body download will finish soon enough so I can have a little bit of a variety.

P.S. Ate considerably less yesterday. huhu I already miss my garlic rice and cake. But coffee!

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I woke up at 7am to do 60 minutes of Zumba. And can I just say I have no sense of rhythm or whatever. I have 2 left feet and I can’t follow dance steps to save my life. I downloaded an hour’s worth of Zumba work out video and only lasted 56 minutes today. I still think I didn’t sweat enough but the beads of perspiration rolling down my back felt awesome enough.

So again, 56 minutes. Tomorrow I will last an hour. Still downloading Shaun T’s Body Rockin workout videos so at least I can mix it up. I should redownload Hip Hop Abs. haha.

I dunno why I like dance work out videos even though I can’t dance to save my life. Despite my 2 left feet and my lack of rhythm, I still think this is more fun than running around for a couple of kms under the sun (but I still think I should do that).

And the low carb diet starts today. Now how I will last 24 hours without my extra rice? I have no idea.

Time to get to work!

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127 lbs. Fuck, right? At 5’3″ that’s already overweight and my BMI is insane. I’m almost 100% fat.

I’m going to Cebu in less than a month (June 11-15) and I’m hitting the beach. And right now my one desire is not to look ridiculous in my swimming costume. And I don’t want to have to wear a one piece suit that’s too manang or a tshirt over my bikini top. So hence the panic weight loss regimen.

So in an effort to shed at least 5 pounds and hopefully a lot of inches before I fly out to Cebu here are the things I plan on doing:

1. No Rice Diet – because extra rice is the mother of all evil.
2. No Cake/Ice Cream –   because my sweet tooth is making me not fit into any of my clothes.
3. Stop the Junk – because I don’t want to be Britney Spears circa 2008 with the Cheetos, Coke and Crazy Eyes.
4. Workout – I would run but I’m too lazy for that. So I’m going to do the next best thing. I brought out our stationary bicycle and downloaded Shaun T’s Insanity Workout. (Day 1 starts tomorrow). Maybe I’ll have the drive to pack a gym bag and bring my running clothes to work but with my 12-hour work day (crazy, I know), I doubt that’ll happen anytime soon. But still, Insanity and the bike sounds good to me. Plus we have an X-Box Kinect at work, so I’m thinking at least 1hour of Kinect Sports everyday should be good for me too. I also downloaded Shaun T’s Rockin Body for some dance workout videos. haha
5. Water – water therapy for my skin and for my colon and kidneys should help.

And may the force be with me on this one. There is a terrible need to fit into my clothes and look at the mirror and be happy with what I see. I’ve never felt so ugly in my life. So hello flat stomach and firm butt.

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So here’s today’s top 10. No particular category, just 10 things that I like at the moment.

from But It Does Float

• Kinfolk Dinners. I wish we have one here in Manila but there’s one in Toronto in June and let’s see if I manage to process my visa by then.
• Victorian Vader from Society 6
• Tim Barber Photography
• Calvin and Hobbes Mash-ups. Because a Lord of the Rings and Calvin and Hobbes Mashup is the coolest thing in the world.
• This work space that I want to set up at home.
• Jackie Bouvier’s and John F. Kennedy’s wedding pictures. Oh Camelot!
• Anthony Hopkins as Hitchcock? Awesome!
• So I’m still not over Ridiculously Photogenic Guy. I can’t help it. It’s the smile lines that got me.
• It’s like living in Bag End only in style. haha!
• How to dress like a tomboy. Aah comfortable shirts, shoes and chinos. Definitely my daily uniform.

oh and as a bonus:

Lourd de Veyra’s graduation speech for UP Mass Comm Batch 2012.  – in which he says “Dapat may maglabas ng ganyang slogan sa advertising, “BAWAL MAGING TANGA.” Nagtatampisaw tayo sa baha ng impormasyon.” and that pretty much says everything there is to say to today’s youth.

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But I had to pat myself on the back for not losing all control and buying everything in sight. Needless to say, I only bought the things I needed… (or at least I think I need). But I left behind a lot of things I still want to purchase and that’s what’s today’s top 10 is for. So, I like pretty things. I can’t help it.

1. Summer Dress – it’s been so hot these days I’d kill for some chiffon, cotton, jersey dresses that fleet and float with the wind. Something light and airy and will not stick to my ass.

from Ruche

from Madewell

2. Functional Tote Bag - i’ve been looking for the perfect tote bag these days. Leather, preferably, so it’s a bit more on the dressy side rather than on the shopping bag side. Longchamps are so passé. And the good ones are all expensive. So imagine my delight when I the perfect one in SM (too bad I didn’t get to take a picture). But I’m still 800php poor so I wasn’t able to buy it :( In the meantime, here are some pegs.

FluffyCo

Madewell

Asos

3. Long Drapey Skirts – maxi skirts are comfortable. I have one. In black. But black isn’t really the best color to wear when the sun is high and you’re roasting like a pig. At least roast in style, right? So bring them in yellow, peach, mint green, blue – even better when they come with pockets!

Zara

4. Scalloped/Printed Shorts – because denim shorts are too heavy and hot to wear. Of course there are pekpek shorts, but why would I want to display my poonanie for the world to see?

Need Supply

Madewell

5. Kimono Cover Ups – for the days when all I want to wear is a tank top but my man arms are to embarrassing too diplay, a cover up that’s light and breezy will do the trick.

Asos

Zara

6. Moccasins – my sister bought me Minnetonka Moccasins for Christmas but she bought them a size too big so I haven’t gotten around to wearing them. Plus in grey. I would really want them in brown (and in my size too).

Minnetonka Moccasin

7. Butter London Nail Polish in Artful Dodger – just because teal is more summery than puta red and black.

Butter London

8. Lip Balm/Stain – my lips are dry and they’ve become dark from the chapping and the chewing (yes I chew my own lips when I’m bored) so I think I need to do them a little bit of favor, yeah?

Revlon

Derma-e

9. Anti-aging shit – because this heat (and the stress) is giving me wrinkles and drying my skin like crazy. I’ve been guzzling water like a fish, and lathering on the lotion and the moisturizers but they don’t seem to be enough. Actually I think it’s because of the alcohol but I can’t quit that, can I?

Kiehls

Body Shop

10. Body Mist – not too sweet nor flowery. just the right kind of “just got out of the shower” smell.

Body Shop

And there you have it. My top 10 must have things (as of April 23, 2012) that I can’t afford to purchase. Anybody want to sponsor me?

Note to self. Must install Photoshop again so I can make proper collages. This list thing and just inserting images here and there is such an eye sore. And my oc-heart can’t take it anymore.

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It’s a start up. So needless to say, policies, process, rules, structure, and other things you might expect from an established corporate -y environment do not exist in a start up business. And for some people, it’s amazing. But for most people it can be quite the hell you don’t want to be in. And everything can be summed up in just one word: STRESS!

So I’ve made up my own list of things that you need to know about working in a start-up. Maybe they’ll help you survive. Maybe they’ll make you want to stay away. But either way, these are my start-up realities and learnings.

1. You are the expert – it’s only logical that the bosses/owners will only get people they no longer need to train. people they think are capable of running their own departments, and able to make sound decisions for the company’s growth. they’re trying to build a business. of course they will only get people who can help them build it. so there’s no time nor space for training or mentorship (at least not in the first few months or years). you will be the mentor. you will be the one doing the training for your future teams. so it’s up to you to push yourselves to improve. to learn as much as you can about the business, about your job and kick ass at it.
2. Be Water, My Friend –  Bruce Lee couldn’t have said it better. Sometimes you have to do things that are beyond your skill level. Maybe you were hired as a Project Manager, handle IT projects and shit. Next thing you know, you’re closing financial books and processing new hires because you haven’t got a Finance and an HR manager. So you have to adapt fast. And learn even faster. Don’t fight it. Not only will you learn new skills (perfect for the resume), it also builds character and gives you a better feel for the company and how to manage it (or at least your teams).
3. People will always complain – (this one is for the managers, leads, supervisors, etc) exactly just that. They will complain about the aircon being too cold, the aircon being too hot, the internet speed, the tepid water in the pantry, the stale office smell, the noise, the lack of noise, the sun and sometimes about your shoes. And you can’t stop that. You just have to listen and be able to sort out the valid ones from the exaggerated. They will complain about you, most of all. So don’t take it personally.
4. Respect the company – start ups are pretty lenient. You can come in later than usual, in shorts and slippers, and pretty much spend the day looking up cute kitty videos on youtube – they almost let you do whatever you want. So don’t abuse it. So you can pretty much come in at whatever time you want? Awesome. But please don’t keep coming in at lunch time only to just put your bag down and then grab lunch 5 minutes later and basically be gone for the next 2 hours. Don’t eat up your network’s bandwidth by downloading torrents at work (other people are actually trying to work). And don’t come in at noon only to leave 4 hours later and without proper approval too. Start ups are pretty lenient. But when the owner and the board of directors get wind of how their employees are abusing that leniency then say goodbye to internet freedom, and say hello to salary deduction when you are late. One person’s self-entitlement can lead to other people’s blocked kitty videos.
5. Be prepared to work over time – without pay. Sometimes it’s as simple as “it’s in your contract”. Sometimes this is how companies get something in return for letting you come in at 11 in the morning, and 5 minutes late for your meeting. Sometimes they give you something back for having come in at work on Tuesday only to find yourself still at work 3 days later in the same pair of jeans. But don’t expect anything. If you’re needed to finish something, then you have to finish it. At the end of the day, it’s still your job to deliver. Now if you have to stay until 10pm at the office to finish it, then you have to. Re-assess. Maybe it’s your fault too. Maybe you spent the entire day watching cute kitty videos on youtube?
6. The CEO is not your enemy –  ok so maybe he can be quite an asshole. Asking you to stay extra hours without pay. Calling you in the middle of the night because his internet connection is quite slow. Maybe he’s pure evil. But at the end of the day you’re both working towards the same goal – which is to make more money for the company so you both will have more money. So no, he’s not your enemy! And it’s also wise not to make an enemy out of him.
7. Speak Up – remember item # 1: you are an expert! So there’s absolutely no reason in the world why you shouldn’t say what’s on your mind… even stupid things are ok to say, I guess. Start ups thrive on open communication, I think. Ideas are a given. But most people find it difficult to voice out their concerns outside of bathroom gossip. They shouldn’t keep it to themselves. If it’s going to help the company grow, then by George, go for it.
8. Beer – when it’s been quite a long day, nothing feels better than going out for a drink after work. Don’t talk about work. Just get to know the people you work with, their stories, etc. It’s easier to trust somebody you know – so get to know your co-workers.
9. Wear clothes you actually like wearing – no dress codes! So wear something you like and are comfortable in. Chances are you’re going to spend an entire day up to your eyeballs in work and stress and all that stuff – at least do it in style! And besides if you don’t like how you look, you’re going to be sully the whole day and that’ll effect your productivity. Trust me.
10. Actually care about the company and what it’s doing – this makes the difference. It’s a new company. It probably still doesn’t have a bonus scheme nor a pay increase matrix. You have to work long hours most of the time (often without over time pay). You have to suffer long meetings with your boss (even on weekends via Skype) and spend half of the time in that meeting arguing with him. There will be tons of meetings. And failures. And finger pointing. There will be loss. And heart break. So why stay? Because you want to see the company grow. You want to be part of that growth. You want to be the reason why there is growth. Because you can’t bear to see the company and the business fail. So you will give it nothing but your best and (sometimes) maybe sacrifice some things (like #8 and shower) – but you’re going to be ok with it. Because when you see the company and the business succeed and you know that you had something to do with it (even just a tiny bit) – it’s going to feel so damn good. Even better when you get a raise.

Start ups aren’t for everybody. And that’s ok. You have to be crazy to want to be in a start up environment, I think. :)

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