I remember one of the goals I wrote for this year was to lose 20lbs. I just realized awhile ago that it’s almost halfway through 2012, and I still haven’t shed a single pound. And today is the day that will end (well tomorrow because right now I’m still on my back waiting for my downloads to finish). Right now, I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been my entire life.

127 lbs. Fuck, right? At 5’3″ that’s already overweight and my BMI is insane. I’m almost 100% fat.

I’m going to Cebu in less than a month (June 11-15) and I’m hitting the beach. And right now my one desire is not to look ridiculous in my swimming costume. And I don’t want to have to wear a one piece suit that’s too manang or a tshirt over my bikini top. So hence the panic weight loss regimen.

So in an effort to shed at least 5 pounds and hopefully a lot of inches before I fly out to Cebu here are the things I plan on doing:

1. No Rice Diet – because extra rice is the mother of all evil.
2. No Cake/Ice Cream –   because my sweet tooth is making me not fit into any of my clothes.
3. Stop the Junk – because I don’t want to be Britney Spears circa 2008 with the Cheetos, Coke and Crazy Eyes.
4. Workout – I would run but I’m too lazy for that. So I’m going to do the next best thing. I brought out our stationary bicycle and downloaded Shaun T’s Insanity Workout. (Day 1 starts tomorrow). Maybe I’ll have the drive to pack a gym bag and bring my running clothes to work but with my 12-hour work day (crazy, I know), I doubt that’ll happen anytime soon. But still, Insanity and the bike sounds good to me. Plus we have an X-Box Kinect at work, so I’m thinking at least 1hour of Kinect Sports everyday should be good for me too. I also downloaded Shaun T’s Rockin Body for some dance workout videos. haha
5. Water – water therapy for my skin and for my colon and kidneys should help.

And may the force be with me on this one. There is a terrible need to fit into my clothes and look at the mirror and be happy with what I see. I’ve never felt so ugly in my life. So hello flat stomach and firm butt.

Lunch time, and I’m on a blogging break (because lunch breaks are expensive).  It’s très hot outside, perfect beach weather, I would say. Yet once again, I’m being a responsible tax payer, stuck here at work with a million things to do on my list.

So here’s today’s top 10. No particular category, just 10 things that I like at the moment.

from But It Does Float

• Kinfolk Dinners. I wish we have one here in Manila but there’s one in Toronto in June and let’s see if I manage to process my visa by then.
• Victorian Vader from Society 6
• Tim Barber Photography
• Calvin and Hobbes Mash-ups. Because a Lord of the Rings and Calvin and Hobbes Mashup is the coolest thing in the world.
• This work space that I want to set up at home.
• Jackie Bouvier’s and John F. Kennedy’s wedding pictures. Oh Camelot!
• Anthony Hopkins as Hitchcock? Awesome!
• So I’m still not over Ridiculously Photogenic Guy. I can’t help it. It’s the smile lines that got me.
• It’s like living in Bag End only in style. haha!
• How to dress like a tomboy. Aah comfortable shirts, shoes and chinos. Definitely my daily uniform.

oh and as a bonus:

Lourd de Veyra’s graduation speech for UP Mass Comm Batch 2012.  – in which he says “Dapat may maglabas ng ganyang slogan sa advertising, “BAWAL MAGING TANGA.” Nagtatampisaw tayo sa baha ng impormasyon.” and that pretty much says everything there is to say to today’s youth.

It’s 10 pm and I’m still in the office despite running a fever and having a clogged nose. We’re 2 hours shy of deploying the new version of our website and I’m stressed to the deepest recesses of my soul (oh yeah). I’m exhausted and my patience is running thin. So to cheer me up (actually it did quite the opposite), I just made a list of 10 things that I would much rather be doing right now.

10. Be the reason why Zac efron is laughing. 

9. dress up in a wedding dress, sit atop a musical instrument and have my picture taken with my head cut off the frame.  note to self: must wear underrated red shoes.

8. roll around on the lawn, with the sprinklers on. mouth open, optional. 

7. wear hipster-approved clothing (cardigan in this weather, perhaps?), sit on our front steps and play with my hair with a pensive look on my face. because playing with my hair is serious business. photograph: optional.

6. cover myself in gold paint and look fierce. 

image by Michael Oswald

5. be a passenger in the Titanic. 

4. wear matching skimpy shorts with my best friend (gender not specified: either one of them will do fine) and jog around the city in this heat. arm in arm.

3. be sexually active in high school, take drugs. and cry out for help. exactly.

2. Be in New York. 

1. And watch Dr. Who film.

as of posting (11:37pm) I’m still at work, nowhere near deploying anything and still overwhelmed by bugs. haha. i’d kill for some cupcake though. but i think i need to take a dump first.

i take no credit for any of the images above. all of them were taken from various posters on tumblr.com

I know I said I would cut back on the shopping but that doesn’t mean I can’t oggle pretty clothes and wish upon a falling star to make them mine, right?

So I just wanted to share how this Green Coat is delicious.

from Hatch Maternity Wear. (yes, maternity wear)

Why it’s awesome:

• That Green. It’s GREEN! Forest-y, fresh, earth-y, relaxing, zen-like Green. (so I’m a fan of green, sue me)
• That crisp collar that keeps its shape. I’m not a fan of pop-up collars or as I would like to call them, “douche collars”, but on this, I think it’s forgivable. It’s “flaps” are big enough to protect you from the cool wind and won’t make you look like a wanna-be prep school preggo.
• It’s pretty roomy. Since it’s made for pregnant woman, it’s not meant to hug any shapes and curves (I think. Or at least that’s how I see it).  And since I’m not far from looking like I’m 6-months into my pregnancy anyway (I’m fat, not pregnat), I think it’ll suit me just fine. Yey for its silhoutte.
• It’s length. It’s not too short that it’ll look like just a normal jacket. But it’s not too long that it’ll look like I’m being swallowed alive by fabric.
• Half-sleeves! I can wear it even when it’s not “that cold”. And it’s lined with fleece so it’ll still keep me toasty warm.

Why I can’t have it:

• It’s $330! Not only is it already P14k (at P43 peso-dollar rate), this doesn’t include the probably equally preposterous shipping cost (since it’s only available in the US and I’m in 3rd world Manila). And add to that the “customs tax” (aka lagay) our government will ask from me before they release it to my eager hands.
• Have you experienced Manila weather? It’s always hot here! When on heaven’s name will I wear this here? But then again I can always use it for when I finally go to Canada or when I go to Japan (November can’t get here soon enough!), or when I finally spend a few months living in New York/London. So yeah, scratch this reason why I can’t have it.
• Did I mention the price? And the fact that I’m on a shopping fast to save up for my “escape fund“.

But a girl can dream that a knight in shining armour will purchase this for to make her happy, right? Right.

There is nothing more liberating than walking around the house nekkid, with Team Sleep’s Ever playing in the background. It makes you feel sexy, in control, free—

Not that I would know. I’m just saying, really. I have yet to find out.

My teeth need tending. Seriously. I have cavities. And unfinished root canal treatment. I need to have wisdom teeth removed too. But since my number 1, best dentist in the world is gone (aka my dad), I’m afraid to go to dentists. I’m pretty sure they won’t give me the 5 second breather every time the sound of drilling makes my skin crawl or the “wait wait wait” break every time I feel a funny tingling in my molars. Only dentist dads do that.

So seriously. Who do I allow within a 5 mile radius of my pearly whites (not so white now thanks to the absence of my dad!)? Finding a good dentist, you can trust and who will not overcharge you is like finding an awesome cardiologist who will not kill you.

And then there’s also that problem wherein I will never get to have my “Father-Daughter” dance. Ever. But that’s another blog post.

I need a new dentist.

Avoid and Evade.

I’ve been told that that’s my default reaction to any problem/issue/whathaveyou that comes my way. Perks of being passive-agressive, I guess.

When my dad died, I refused to talk about it. I deliberately chose to bury all the feelings under work, under other problems (under pressure). I went out a lot. Since my dad died I’ve been to SG, Tagaytay, and spent more time with my friends than I did with my family. Drank more than I used to. And just slept it off during the day. I couldn’t stand being home. I couldn’t stand hearing my mom cry whenever she remembers something about my dad (which was every few hours). I found other things to do, other things to focus on that doesn’t involve thinking of my dad and how he was never coming back.

Maybe this is also why I’m so bad at keeping in touch. At keeping friends close. At keeping relationships alive. Because at the first sign of trouble, I bail. Under the guise of “pa-cool”. I remember guys I dated who showed the first signs of looking the other way (at least that’s how I saw it), I made sure I “lost interest” first. Not replying to texts. Not making the first move to start a conversation. Acting like none of it mattered even though I wanted to punch the shit out of them (aka i wanted to see them and kiss them silly) Passive-aggressive at its best.

I run. I book the next flight out. I go to Ponti nearly every night. I turn of my cell phone and write cryptic one liners on social media platforms. And smile through it all. Fake, plastic, smile.

And what do I get out of all of this? Nothing. No matter how deep I bury the feelings, the problems, they come creeping back up. Slowly, one by one. And some, stronger than ever with an iron grip on an already bruised heart. (how cheesy did that line sound?)

My motto has always been, “make them make the first move, Conway!” yeah. Life lessons from a hockey move as demonstrated in a 90s disney movie. Point is, don’t get hurt. And from experience, I’ve always gotten hurt just by taking that leap, jumping the gun, heart on my forehead. Acknowledging feelings, and acting upon them have gotten me in so much trouble already – I think it’s high time I learned my lesson. And for the past few years, running has always worked. Ignore the feelings until they disappear. When they come back, worry about them later.

I guess I just don’t want to feel anything anymore. I’m tired of getting hurt, being left behind, lied to, dangled on a string (like slow spinning redemption? haha), etc, etc. And that’s how I’ve learned to put on my poker face, my fake, plastic, smile. And run, run as far away as I can from reality and sink into this cave I’ve dug for myself surrounded by alcohol, foreign language, and purple unicorns.

But I think in the process of running, I’ve also forgotten that I’m leaving people behind and they have feelings too. While they’re ready to face the problems with me, get hurt with me, I chose to abandon them just to protect myself. I’m doing to them, exactly what people have done to me which pushed me to take flight. And that’s not fair.

Moral righteousness (is there such a term) tells me to stop running, keep my feet on the ground and be a pillar of support for the people I love just like how they’ve been to me (or at least try to). But the bruises on my heart (haha!) are telling me to fuck this shit and run. I can’t stand being hurt anymore. One more pinch and I’m close to breaking (even though that’s a total exaggeration). The answer should be easy. Even I know which one I should pick. But you would be surprised to find out that this is a struggle for me. Self-preservation vs being part of a team.

No wonder I’m so lonely. Because I continuously choose to be one. But you have to admit, it’s easier being by yourself. You can’t get hurt by the people you open up yourself to, because you don’t open up yourself to anybody.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Sextape/2LbrQm?src=5

Cruising through the city after hours
With me fusing all our powers
Here’s to all our

Take me one more time
Take me one more wave
Take me for one last ride
I’m out of my head

Tonight, Tonight
Tonight, Tonight
The sound of the waves collide
The sound of the waves collide
The sound of the waves collide
Tonight

The less you know about a person, the smaller the chances of liking him/her.

On the other hand, the more you know about a person, the likelier it will be that you will find things you won’t like about him/her.

So should you get to know the person or not? Especially when all you want to do is not like him/her.

-musings during a realization that i never really asked you what your favorite color was.

Maybe I should just stop thinking about the things that might happen. Say “FUCK IT” and just kiss you.

Either way, the world has already ended, anyway.

-kaka, circa 2004