The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.

Fernando Pessoa

Didn’t get to do Zumba this morning. I was up til 3am, up to my ears in work, still. So by the time I went to sleep, my body was ready to collapse and I had a massive headache. Needless to say, I woke up late, felt sick and didn’t get to work out. Not really an excuse. I know I should’ve still gone for the 56 minute workout and made myself feel better through adrenaline + endorphins. Not to mention that my diet slipped yesterday and I ate cheese fries like a 15 year old.

Would go home early tonight to work out.

Did another round of Zumba today. Didn’t realize the whole work out video was 56 minutes long. So I pretty much did ok yesterday. Today was hell though. I woke up this morning with sore muscles and almost decided to just screw it and go back to sleep. But my fats jiggled me awake so I managed to get up to aching thighs and back muscle pains. My stomach though was too cushioned to ache but my sides pretty much resembled a snake pit of a telephone cable. Needless to say, the 56 minute routine I was hard pressed to follow yesterday just because I couldn’t learn the steps quick enough, was too tough on me today. I still couldn’t follow the steps, and I had a body that felt like lead to add to that.

But still 56 minutes.

Let’s hope I manage to pull myself out of bed tomorrow and that Shaun T’s Rockin Body download will finish soon enough so I can have a little bit of a variety.

P.S. Ate considerably less yesterday. huhu I already miss my garlic rice and cake. But coffee!

So I’ll just show you pictures! All pictures came from Pinterest.

I remember one of the goals I wrote for this year was to lose 20lbs. I just realized awhile ago that it’s almost halfway through 2012, and I still haven’t shed a single pound. And today is the day that will end (well tomorrow because right now I’m still on my back waiting for my downloads to finish). Right now, I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been my entire life.

127 lbs. Fuck, right? At 5’3″ that’s already overweight and my BMI is insane. I’m almost 100% fat.

I’m going to Cebu in less than a month (June 11-15) and I’m hitting the beach. And right now my one desire is not to look ridiculous in my swimming costume. And I don’t want to have to wear a one piece suit that’s too manang or a tshirt over my bikini top. So hence the panic weight loss regimen.

So in an effort to shed at least 5 pounds and hopefully a lot of inches before I fly out to Cebu here are the things I plan on doing:

1. No Rice Diet – because extra rice is the mother of all evil.
2. No Cake/Ice Cream –   because my sweet tooth is making me not fit into any of my clothes.
3. Stop the Junk – because I don’t want to be Britney Spears circa 2008 with the Cheetos, Coke and Crazy Eyes.
4. Workout – I would run but I’m too lazy for that. So I’m going to do the next best thing. I brought out our stationary bicycle and downloaded Shaun T’s Insanity Workout. (Day 1 starts tomorrow). Maybe I’ll have the drive to pack a gym bag and bring my running clothes to work but with my 12-hour work day (crazy, I know), I doubt that’ll happen anytime soon. But still, Insanity and the bike sounds good to me. Plus we have an X-Box Kinect at work, so I’m thinking at least 1hour of Kinect Sports everyday should be good for me too. I also downloaded Shaun T’s Rockin Body for some dance workout videos. haha
5. Water – water therapy for my skin and for my colon and kidneys should help.

And may the force be with me on this one. There is a terrible need to fit into my clothes and look at the mirror and be happy with what I see. I’ve never felt so ugly in my life. So hello flat stomach and firm butt.

I’m supposed to be on a shopping fast but I ended up in SM North Edsa with my sister this morning, where the department stores are abundant with clothes and shoes and bags and accessories so cheap, I almost cried. So the shopping fast ended and I came home with a bag of clothes and an empty wallet. So much for saving up for “Autumn in Japan”.

But I had to pat myself on the back for not losing all control and buying everything in sight. Needless to say, I only bought the things I needed… (or at least I think I need). But I left behind a lot of things I still want to purchase and that’s what’s today’s top 10 is for. So, I like pretty things. I can’t help it.

1. Summer Dress – it’s been so hot these days I’d kill for some chiffon, cotton, jersey dresses that fleet and float with the wind. Something light and airy and will not stick to my ass.

from Ruche

from Madewell

2. Functional Tote Bag - i’ve been looking for the perfect tote bag these days. Leather, preferably, so it’s a bit more on the dressy side rather than on the shopping bag side. Longchamps are so passé. And the good ones are all expensive. So imagine my delight when I the perfect one in SM (too bad I didn’t get to take a picture). But I’m still 800php poor so I wasn’t able to buy it :( In the meantime, here are some pegs.

FluffyCo

Madewell

Asos

3. Long Drapey Skirts – maxi skirts are comfortable. I have one. In black. But black isn’t really the best color to wear when the sun is high and you’re roasting like a pig. At least roast in style, right? So bring them in yellow, peach, mint green, blue – even better when they come with pockets!

Zara

4. Scalloped/Printed Shorts – because denim shorts are too heavy and hot to wear. Of course there are pekpek shorts, but why would I want to display my poonanie for the world to see?

Need Supply

Madewell

5. Kimono Cover Ups – for the days when all I want to wear is a tank top but my man arms are to embarrassing too diplay, a cover up that’s light and breezy will do the trick.

Asos

Zara

6. Moccasins – my sister bought me Minnetonka Moccasins for Christmas but she bought them a size too big so I haven’t gotten around to wearing them. Plus in grey. I would really want them in brown (and in my size too).

Minnetonka Moccasin

7. Butter London Nail Polish in Artful Dodger – just because teal is more summery than puta red and black.

Butter London

8. Lip Balm/Stain – my lips are dry and they’ve become dark from the chapping and the chewing (yes I chew my own lips when I’m bored) so I think I need to do them a little bit of favor, yeah?

Revlon

Derma-e

9. Anti-aging shit – because this heat (and the stress) is giving me wrinkles and drying my skin like crazy. I’ve been guzzling water like a fish, and lathering on the lotion and the moisturizers but they don’t seem to be enough. Actually I think it’s because of the alcohol but I can’t quit that, can I?

Kiehls

Body Shop

10. Body Mist – not too sweet nor flowery. just the right kind of “just got out of the shower” smell.

Body Shop

And there you have it. My top 10 must have things (as of April 23, 2012) that I can’t afford to purchase. Anybody want to sponsor me?

Note to self. Must install Photoshop again so I can make proper collages. This list thing and just inserting images here and there is such an eye sore. And my oc-heart can’t take it anymore.

It’s 10 pm and I’m still in the office despite running a fever and having a clogged nose. We’re 2 hours shy of deploying the new version of our website and I’m stressed to the deepest recesses of my soul (oh yeah). I’m exhausted and my patience is running thin. So to cheer me up (actually it did quite the opposite), I just made a list of 10 things that I would much rather be doing right now.

10. Be the reason why Zac efron is laughing. 

9. dress up in a wedding dress, sit atop a musical instrument and have my picture taken with my head cut off the frame.  note to self: must wear underrated red shoes.

8. roll around on the lawn, with the sprinklers on. mouth open, optional. 

7. wear hipster-approved clothing (cardigan in this weather, perhaps?), sit on our front steps and play with my hair with a pensive look on my face. because playing with my hair is serious business. photograph: optional.

6. cover myself in gold paint and look fierce. 

image by Michael Oswald

5. be a passenger in the Titanic. 

4. wear matching skimpy shorts with my best friend (gender not specified: either one of them will do fine) and jog around the city in this heat. arm in arm.

3. be sexually active in high school, take drugs. and cry out for help. exactly.

2. Be in New York. 

1. And watch Dr. Who film.

as of posting (11:37pm) I’m still at work, nowhere near deploying anything and still overwhelmed by bugs. haha. i’d kill for some cupcake though. but i think i need to take a dump first.

i take no credit for any of the images above. all of them were taken from various posters on tumblr.com

I know I said I would cut back on the shopping but that doesn’t mean I can’t oggle pretty clothes and wish upon a falling star to make them mine, right?

So I just wanted to share how this Green Coat is delicious.

from Hatch Maternity Wear. (yes, maternity wear)

Why it’s awesome:

• That Green. It’s GREEN! Forest-y, fresh, earth-y, relaxing, zen-like Green. (so I’m a fan of green, sue me)
• That crisp collar that keeps its shape. I’m not a fan of pop-up collars or as I would like to call them, “douche collars”, but on this, I think it’s forgivable. It’s “flaps” are big enough to protect you from the cool wind and won’t make you look like a wanna-be prep school preggo.
• It’s pretty roomy. Since it’s made for pregnant woman, it’s not meant to hug any shapes and curves (I think. Or at least that’s how I see it).  And since I’m not far from looking like I’m 6-months into my pregnancy anyway (I’m fat, not pregnat), I think it’ll suit me just fine. Yey for its silhoutte.
• It’s length. It’s not too short that it’ll look like just a normal jacket. But it’s not too long that it’ll look like I’m being swallowed alive by fabric.
• Half-sleeves! I can wear it even when it’s not “that cold”. And it’s lined with fleece so it’ll still keep me toasty warm.

Why I can’t have it:

• It’s $330! Not only is it already P14k (at P43 peso-dollar rate), this doesn’t include the probably equally preposterous shipping cost (since it’s only available in the US and I’m in 3rd world Manila). And add to that the “customs tax” (aka lagay) our government will ask from me before they release it to my eager hands.
• Have you experienced Manila weather? It’s always hot here! When on heaven’s name will I wear this here? But then again I can always use it for when I finally go to Canada or when I go to Japan (November can’t get here soon enough!), or when I finally spend a few months living in New York/London. So yeah, scratch this reason why I can’t have it.
• Did I mention the price? And the fact that I’m on a shopping fast to save up for my “escape fund“.

But a girl can dream that a knight in shining armour will purchase this for to make her happy, right? Right.

I’ve been reading travel blogs lately (solesisters, justwandering, to name a few) and I was hit by an overwhelming feeling of sadness immediately after I’ve hit that x button on the right side of the tab (yey for tabbed browsers). Clothesline, side-swiped, train wreck of a sadness.

I’ve been to 3 places outside the Philippines. Just 3. Hongkong, Thailand and Singapore. Within the country I’ve been to quite a few (Pangasinan, Baguio, Ilocos, Sagada, Banawe, Quezon, Laguna, Cavite, Batangas, Palawan, Cebu, Bohol, Davao, CDO)- the operative word here being few. And every bone in my body is saying – nay, screaming: THAT’S NOT ENOUGH, BITCH! Yes, I can be pretty harsh on myself sometimes.

I’ve made a lot of lists over the past 27 years (well 7 since I only started making lists when I graduated) and most of them were list of places I wanted to go to and things I want to do when I get there. My lists are 7 years old (revised over the years) but essentially they still remain the same. I still want to live in a house with a blue door in Notting Hill. I still want to walk the streets of Prague. Maybe find a vampire or 2 in Romania (or not). And get eaten by mosquitos in Australia. I want to stay in Sagada for 3 weeks and just drink coffee and smoke a j, and read my books, get to know the people who come and go. And drink tequila in the middle of the day in Mexico.

San Cristobal, Mexico (image from National Geographic)

My passport is depressingly blank. And I’ve come up with a ton of reasons that prevent me from just packing my bags and get going.

1. I’m broke.
2. With my dad’s passing – my family kinda needs me to be with them right now.
3. Whatever money I’m making, it needs to go to the family fund. Being the breadwinner right now, I just can’t afford to spend my money on just myself
4. I have a job. And a demanding (and taxing one) at that.
5. Did I mention that I was broke?

At this rate, with all these excuses I would never get anywhere.

I’ve read about how some travelers just decided to leave their life. They sold their belongings, made their entire life fit into 2 luggage (some in just 1 backpack). And up they went, living their life continuously in transit. Not quite home, but definitely at home. Did that make sense? In my head, it did.  Live, they did.

And I keep thinking, “Can I do that?”

At this point in my life, I would honestly say no. I can’t. Not yet. I can’t quit my job. My family depends on me financially. Plus I love it (it’s a love-hate relationship actually but that’s a different blog post) I can’t leave my family indefinitely, we need to be together to keep strong. And these are not just excuses to not be able to do what I’ve always wanted to do. These are my realities.

So where does that leave me and my dreams? I don’t want to wait til I’m 40 before I can see the rest of the world.

But after much thinking (well not really, just about 5 minutes of emo and some tea), I’ve come to realize that there’s really nothing stopping me from doing what it is that I want. Just myself and my lack of creativity and my 10000000 excuses. I’m just lazy.

Maybe I can’t quit my job, sell my things and live a backpacker’s life. At least not yet. But that doesn’t mean I can’t take advantage of my 25-day leaves a year and use them? I keep saying that I’m broke but that’s my fault too. Just last weekend, I bought a ton of books and 2 dresses, and insisted on eating out for the most part of the holiday. And how much did that cost me? And I think my family won’t mind if I’m gone a few days to sort myself out instead of a few months.

I just need to get off my lazy bum, stop complaining and do something.

1. Save. – that pretty much sums up everything that I have to do. Cut back on unnecessary expenses. I have a lot of books that are still in their plastic wrapping so I shouldn’t buy more. I have clothes that I’ve only used once so I don’t need to buy new ones. I pretty much live in my sneakers and my boots so why do I need to buy that pretty black flats I know I will never wear outside the house anyway?
2. Start an Escape Fund (as the sole sisters would put it) – I can’t keep on dipping into my savings for whenever I want to travel. That’s not responsible (for me, at least, given my circumstances). I need to have a separate fund for this. Force myself to work towards a goal, and then reward myself afterwards. And this way, I don’t shirk on my responsibilities at home and yet still have money to do as I please (book the next flight outta here!).
3. Plan – I keep saying I want to go to this place and that. I keep checking flights whenever there’s an airfare sale. I read Lonely Planet articles and guides. And then what? Nothing. I stop at that. I’ve never really gotten around to making an actual itinerary. Plan my finances so I can budget. How much do I need to save? What’s my expected expense? When do I plan on going so I can plan my leaves for that. I used to just buy plane tickets on an whim and say “bahala na” after. But this isn’t sustainable if I want to keep doing this all the time.
4. Talk to my family – make them understand that I need this. For myself. For my sanity. They’ve never been bitten by the travel bug but they understand that I’m at this point in my life wherein I need to explode in a karaoke supernova (TM Ben Folds) and just be out there.

Just 4 things. 4 things that I need to do to get a taste of my dream. Maybe 2 weeks in Vietnam isn’t the same as spending 3 months hopping on trains and buses, exploring the Thailand countryside and then crossing the border to get to Myanmar. Maybe not. But 2 weeks is better than nothing. In 2 weeks, I can still have coffee with friends I’ve met on the road, exchange stories and maybe a few laughs. Have a beer by the beach and review the pictures I took of the architectural marvel I’ve been in just the day before. 2 weeks is enough time for me to see a part of the world. In 2 weeks, I can go rafting in Bontoc and see locals prepare Pinikpikan. In 2 weeks, I can stay in Ilo-ilo and then cross Dumaguete. In 2 weeks, I can taste as many Bicol Express as I want on my way to Donsol. A lot can be done in 2 weeks.

Maybe I’ll want more. Eventually the need to to quit my job and just cross countries in Europe will be harder and harder to curb. Eventually. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

Right now, I’ll take what I can get. Anything to see the world outside of my 4 cornered room.

Who said you can’t have your cake and eat it too? Obviously he hasn’t taken a knife and cut himself a slice.

Me: How does one become sweet?

Keith: A combo of being thoughtful, affectionate, pleasant, cheeful… teka sakit sa ulo pag-isipan.

Me: Takte. Cheerful palang lugi na ko eh!

There has been a long standing debate on whether i am sweet or not. Survey says (3 out of 15 people voted that i am sweet) that I am not (but that’s a different blog post). So now, I am on a quest on becoming a sweet person. The kind of sweet that will make your tooth ache and your right hand itching to slap some sense into me. That kind of sweet.

…or not.