The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.

Fernando Pessoa

Why in the world would you miss somebody you don’t even really know? Do you really miss the person? Or the idea of that person? You’ve imagined a personality to match the little details that you do know – tricking yourself into thinking that he/she is really like that. You hold on to the few memories you have and make them seem like they’re more of a big deal than they really are (actually they are not). And you wallow in the “if only”s and the “what could’ve been”s.

Then you realize that there was a truth to what you said some ages ago. You didn’t want to do this or that with him/her because you don’t want to end up missing him/her when he/she is gone. And he/she will be gone eventually. Sooner or later. Sometimes sooner than you think. Vanish. Ninja. Kaput. Thin air. Because people always leave. And not always in a fashion that you hope they would.

And sometimes, in the most random of moments, you think about them and you feel that feeling of “longing”. You’re just not sure if it’s a longing for that person or for the idea you have of that person or for something else entirely.

So with your chin resting on your hand, you drink your coffee, and you wallow.

Last Saturday (March 31-April 1), I went to Tagaytay with 6 of my friends to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city. One of them owns the house we were staying at.

And the weekend couldn’t have been any more perfect. It felt like it was made to fit a John Hughes movie.

They say I’m boring when I’m happy but I want to remember that weekend because every bone in my body is saying it’ll never happen again. Most good things don’t.

I live for those little moments. The kind you only get from watching TV, reading a book – or for some people – from stepping out your front door.

Dancing outside of a coffee shop, playing loud music – and laughing laughing laughing. While the fog settles, and the breeze turns your insides frigid – there is nothing else but the loud conversation, the jumping around, and the off-pitch singing to make hearts and shoulders melt. Hanson, Phoenix, Franco, Anberlin, Garbage, Jet, Sexy Time Music – and for all of the hipster shit? Just dance it out!

Advises and fantasies are shared over beer, overlooking a dark horizon. Lights out, candles now. And then there’s the comfortable silence that comes with thinking what you want to say to the person sitting in front of you, beside you, 2 chairs away from you – to make them realize how grand they really are. “You are fantastic” is all there is to say really.

And I truly believe that friendships are sealed when all of you are stuck in one room, windows closed, quiet breathing, and soft music playing – and then somebody farts. Yet nobody says anything. You just see it in their faces.

Of course alcohol, hilarity, and vulgarity are always present. 7 people in one room, one glass, and bottles upon bottles of alcohol. Open windows, packs of cigarettes  to coax out the quotable quotes and the secrets. “I love you guys.”

The hours leading to the end is always the saddest for me. Trying to stretch the time, pocketing moments to make them last longer. One last game of cards. One last insult for the fat girl you’re all friends with but don’t really like. One last song for the long drive home.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Sextape/2LbrQm?src=5

Cruising through the city after hours
With me fusing all our powers
Here’s to all our

Take me one more time
Take me one more wave
Take me for one last ride
I’m out of my head

Tonight, Tonight
Tonight, Tonight
The sound of the waves collide
The sound of the waves collide
The sound of the waves collide
Tonight

Maybe I should just stop thinking about the things that might happen. Say “FUCK IT” and just kiss you.

Either way, the world has already ended, anyway.

-kaka, circa 2004

truth be told, we all need to be swept off our feet – at least once in our life.

worry about being dropped on your head, later.

It started with a cat. Like most stories, it always starts with the most random things – like a broken record, a cup of coffee, a lit cigarette. But in this case it started with a cat. It was a 15-pound cat, to be exact, that chased a bear up a tree.

No, actually, it didn’t start with a cat. I’m kind of hoping it did though – just to make this story different from all those boy-meets-girl girl-meets-boy and then it was the end of the world kind of stories. There are zombies, of course, and water shortage, blackouts, time travel, and beautiful shoes.

But this is mostly about how a single kiss can change how the world spins.

A conversation between a guy I dated some years ago and myself which I thought was pretty sweet and smooth. haha! Let’s call him X, just in case a common friend of ours ends up here and tells him I blogged about it.

X: oh, and i have to ask you a major major important question. do you watch movies?

me: of course haha who doesn’t?

X: [galing o, pahaba nang pahaba] ako dati. pero naisep ko dapat nga lang. i mean, at the movies?

me: haha yeah

X: because i hear the ayala cinemas show the best films, and–and i don’t know if this is a good thing to say to a pretty lady–but i hate going to makati and you’d give me a perfect excuse to go over there from time to time. it would be my treat.

me: haha!

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you ask a lady out on a date. :)

and probably one of the sweetest thing ever said to me:

[context: guy had no cellphone then. he lost it. liked not having one and so didn't get a replacement]

X: hehehe. nakakaasar. the whole no phone thing was fun, up until about now.

me: hahaha eees okey

X: you made me want to get a phone.

and that is how you charm a lady. :)

dated this guy for a couple of months, nothing happened. but i have to say though, hands down, my favorite boylet. haha!

When the things you like remind you of the person you want to punch in the face…

I met this person (ok, a guy) some time ago at a party. He was cute – just to get that out of the way. But the important part was how he became a person of interest. Boy was pretty smooth, I have to admit. He was my “Before Sunrise” moment. Just like the movie. What started out to be just a drop off, ended up to be a drive home and the two of us talking til the wee hours with just a bottle of wine between us.

And he pushed the right buttons. Actually, I don’t remember how the conversation went anymore but I remember sitting side by side in the park bench outside our house and just laughing and laughing and laughing. I think we talked about the bands we liked, our favorite movies, the tv shows we watched. And we had a lot of those things we both liked – and they left me wondering (probably out loud) why I haven’t met him before.

And I had the warm fuzzies. That warm fuzzy feeling you get at the pit of your stomach. Butterflies. Tornadoes. A blessing of unicorns. An unkindness of ravens. It felt nice. And I remember it so well because I haven’t felt that way in a long time.

And the highlight to this romcom-esque night was when he leaned in to kiss me. And for a moment, I thought, “well this must be that can’t-eat-can’t-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-jump-over-the-fence-world-series kind of stuff that Diane Lane talked about in It Takes Two”.

And the moment had to end.

I did see the guy a couple of times after that. All amazing times for me. But just like the rest of my love stories, this ended with him disappearing. Ninja Vanish. Poof. And that left me hanging and thinking and struggling with unresolved issues/feelings and unanswered questions for a while.

After awhile I found out he got back with his ex and he moved to a land far far away.

We still talk sometimes – barely. Short messages over Facebook and YM. Nothing worth overthinking about. But he’s still the same. He still manages to push the right buttons for me. But the warm fuzzies have been replaced by that overwhelming need to punch him in the face just to get all that unresolved blah out of my system.

Well no, I’m lying the warm fuzzies are still there. And they’re nice feelings so I’m glad they haven’t completely gone away. Even with the realization/acceptance that this was just… something casual.

At least I have an interesting story to tell my friends over beer and whining.

It has recently occurred to me that I’m 26 years old (and in a couple of months I’m 27). To family, however, or family friends, that realization occurred years ago when I was just 24.

Favorite question for oldies to ask? “When are you getting married?”

For the past 2 years I’ve been to a few weddings already. Classmates from college, highschool, kids I’ve grown up with. And within the next few months I have 3 more friends getting married. By choice, all of them, thank goodness.

But I’d be a fool not to say that that doesn’t freak me out. I’m hella FREAKED OUT with a capital F-R-E-A-K!

While I’m planning on surviving zombie apocalypse, being giddy over Jenna Hamilton’s crush on Matty in Awkward, and thinspirationing on Maggie Q (who I’m happy to report isn’t always photographed pretty)… I have friends picking out mottiffs, worrying about their prenup pictures and the price of having a good designer to do their gowns!

kamusta naman ang dahon at sili sa pengpeng?

And that’s just the wedding! What about sharing a house with (technically) a stranger. Having to make sure he puts the lid down. Always having to think for 2. Being responsible not just for yourself but for your significant other. Taking care of each other and making things work. MAKING THINGS WORK! I can’t even fry a fish without it being burnt in one side and under-cooked in the other.

But I’m going to be a hypocrite if I said that I didn’t think of my own wedding every now and then. Every girl imagines her wedding. That pretty white dress, the gorgeous buffet – yeah my priorities are pretty screwed.

So yeah, my friends’ weddings have me imagining my perfect outdoor wedding. And it since it’s all happening in my head, I throw in this guy to join in on the happily-ever-after fun.

nothing like ben barnes to make you want to say your ‘i dos’ faster than a speeding bullet

But it’s a different story when they start churning out one of these…