Haruki Murakami once said “What a difference a day makes” – I don’t know where this was lifted from, maybe from one his books, interviews, etc but to that all I can say is “Indeed”

My dad died last Monday, Feb 13, 2012 due to complications from the medicine administered to him after he had a Heart Attack. I blame the doctors for his death. It was so sudden. One minute he was ok, we were talking, and the next minute he flat lined. And now, whenever I close my eyes all I can see is him on his hospital bed, lifeless. And I can’t get the image out of my head.

I went through Feb 13 to Feb 21 feeling like my life wasn’t my own. Like I was stuck in someone else’s body, living a nightmare and I can’t seem to get out of it. Sometimes I feel like I’m floating. My brain quit functioning properly days ago and my heart just won’t stop breaking.

I am reminded of my dad in every single thing. The empty chair in our dining table, the pair of shoes under the living room sofa that we haven’t touched yet since he died, the chipped paint in my bedroom wall, the empty clay pots in his garden… Every.Single.Thing.

And I still can’t accept it. I still hope that he’d come home tonight or tomorrow from one of his random trips to Quezon laughing at us for thinking he was dead. I still hope I’d finally be able to get out of this body and go back to my own, normal life. I still hope that I’d wake up from this nightmare… eventually.

A couple of my friends who’s had one of their parents pass away told me that this will not be easy. What an understatement.

My sister’s home from Canada and won’t fly out til mid-March. I dread the day that it’ll just be and my mom at home. Quiet rooms, quiet halls and the absence of the smell of coffee at 7 in the morning will hit us with much more intensity than they ever have.

And my question is: How do we move forward from this?

Also: When will my heart stop breaking?

i made this, with my older sister in mind. freezing her buns off in Canada, she likes pretty things… pretty being “pretty practical”, “pretty comfortable” and “pretty awesome”. so if your sister is anything like mine, this might be just for her too.

1. Red Knitted Scarf (asos)
2. Wellingtons (hunter boots)
3. iPad (apple)
4. The Look Book by Erika Stalder (uo)
5. Friendship Bracelet (asos)
6. Amazing Grace Body Spritz (philosophy)
7. Minnetonka Kitty Suede Moccasins (madewell)

wouldn’t you want to be my sister? not that i can afford any of these but at least i’ve got good ideas! haha

With Christmas coming up, I thought I’d help myself by making gift guides for family, friends,people I work with, etc. If this ends up helping anybody else then that’s cool too :)

So this first one is for my mom who’s lazy most of the time but when inspiration hits her, can make awesome jewelry, can cook up a storm, can be fashionable.. and who’s generally a family woman(when she’s not in church, that is hehe)

a jewelry making kit, a quirky chopping board, a snow-scented spritz, and a family photobooth.

So my i told my dad we’ll take a picture. Multiple shots in a row so he can make 4 different faces.

See my dad’s 4 faces.

And of course my mom wanted her own picture as well.

On our way home from having lunch in tagaytay.

Because the weather is so much cooler on your side of the planet, I hope you’re taking good advantage of it. Because these outfits need to be worn without getting weird eyes from people especially during commute. Mahirap pumorma dito tapos sa Masinag ka lang sasakay! haha So ate, make me proud!

except maybe for the last picture, these are all so you!

lovelots,

k

Because it was part of my new year’s resolution to take more pictures and post more blog entries. Let’s do this!

(still posting this because i’m blurred-genic)

(dr. uson the new image model for pilipinas, kay ganda!)

(st. mama)

(st. papa)

Dressing up these days has been a total drag. It’s extra difficult because I can no longer pop into the next room and ask my sister what she thinks about the rags I would be wearing. So whenever I miss her (which is everyday) and I’m clueless about to wear.. I just think… “WWAW” or a “What Would Ate Wear?” which makes deciding pretty easy. Shades of black and grey and white and brown and dark blue are always safe bets.

I saw this picture awhile ago. And this has “Ate Joy” written all over it. From the top of her hair to the tips of her toes.

dear ate,

what would i wear for my first day at Net Booster on Monday?

lovelots,

kax

…all my dreams will come true.

(at qc circle after eating at coconut house – where the waiter forgot to wash his hands after peeing. too bad the food was pretty good but i don’t think i’ll ever come back there again. meanwhile, i didn’t know being at qc circle can be so much fun!)

(was supposed to post this last night but internet connection was being a bitch so… here’s my post 1 day later)

My sister left for Canada 4 hours ago. She’s probably somewhere in HKIA right now waiting for her connecting flight to board. I asked her to eat Chicken Rice for me.

The house is so quiet it’s depressing. I’ve started to move in to her room. Cleared out some of her old stuff that she didn’t want to be shipped to her along with some of her clothes/shoes/bags/books. I have yet to figure out where to put her school stuff (books,papers,notes) that we didn’t want to throw out. Right now, her floor is covered with plastic bags filled with trash while my room is a calamity area full of her things (as well as mine) to be stowed. I haven’t transfered my clothes and books yet.

I’m posting this from her room. Which is now technically, my room.

I think the reason why I’m 10x sadder than I ought to be is because she and I haven’t been close til after I graduated college. Before that we were always fighting and I refused to tell her anything. I always saw her to be the “perfect daughter” that I always get compared to. And for the longest time, I thought she hated me. Suffice to say, we didn’t use to get along.

Fast forward to after college, she was the only person I could ask about finding work, borrow interview clothes from, and count on to be objective about stuff. I realized just then that being “on my side” didn’t necessarily mean sharing the same opinions I had. It was only then did I accept that she knew more than I did and that she wasn’t so bad after all.

And since then she’s been my favorite travel, food trip, shopping, movie, true blood marathon, etc etc etc – buddy.

I know I should be happy for her. She’s got loads of opportunities waiting for her in Canada. She’s on her own, and has tons of adventures to look forward to.

And I am. I am happy for her.

I just can’t help but feel lonely and sad for myself.

So I guess this brings me to my goal. CANADA and GREECE 2012! I can’t very well let her have all the fun.

cheers to my sister who’s off having a grand adventure.