Haruki Murakami once said “What a difference a day makes” – I don’t know where this was lifted from, maybe from one his books, interviews, etc but to that all I can say is “Indeed”

My dad died last Monday, Feb 13, 2012 due to complications from the medicine administered to him after he had a Heart Attack. I blame the doctors for his death. It was so sudden. One minute he was ok, we were talking, and the next minute he flat lined. And now, whenever I close my eyes all I can see is him on his hospital bed, lifeless. And I can’t get the image out of my head.

I went through Feb 13 to Feb 21 feeling like my life wasn’t my own. Like I was stuck in someone else’s body, living a nightmare and I can’t seem to get out of it. Sometimes I feel like I’m floating. My brain quit functioning properly days ago and my heart just won’t stop breaking.

I am reminded of my dad in every single thing. The empty chair in our dining table, the pair of shoes under the living room sofa that we haven’t touched yet since he died, the chipped paint in my bedroom wall, the empty clay pots in his garden… Every.Single.Thing.

And I still can’t accept it. I still hope that he’d come home tonight or tomorrow from one of his random trips to Quezon laughing at us for thinking he was dead. I still hope I’d finally be able to get out of this body and go back to my own, normal life. I still hope that I’d wake up from this nightmare… eventually.

A couple of my friends who’s had one of their parents pass away told me that this will not be easy. What an understatement.

My sister’s home from Canada and won’t fly out til mid-March. I dread the day that it’ll just be and my mom at home. Quiet rooms, quiet halls and the absence of the smell of coffee at 7 in the morning will hit us with much more intensity than they ever have.

And my question is: How do we move forward from this?

Also: When will my heart stop breaking?

Just when I thought I’d survive 2011 unscathed, December knocked me out with an unexpected turn of events. Certainly made things interesting (good/bad, I do not know).

C’mon 2012, what do you have in store for me?

This weekend, I spent approximately 7k. 3 days, 2.3k per day.

• Friday – Ponti + Taxi = 700
• Saturday – Grocery + Gas = 2000
• Sunday – Divisoria = 4000

Whataweekend. Payday just hit me and I’m already broke. Somebody keep me away from my wallet. :(

A bit iffy about my new Project Manager. I mean I’m happy we’re no longer outsourcing to Yellowasp (I know they’re really good but they’re a pain to work with). So far I’ve had 4 Project Managers for CCP and yeah, maybe we are a pain to work with too; but 2 out of those 4 I really didn’t have a problem with (the 4th one didn’t work with us extensively so I really can’t say much about working with him). Why? Because of the following reasons:

1. They gave feedback when feedback was needed - especially during emergencies. especially when feedback was needed immediately. especially when I have abso-fucking-lutely no idea what was going on.
2. They explained things pretty well - I’m amazing (and humble too) so most of the time I know what’s going on (nothing like a little Google to help you in times of ignorance). But sometimes Google = information overload. Plus there are jargons to look up so what was originally a one item research usually becomes a 10 item research. So I appreciate a little 101 when there are issues that are not for the kids who did Basic Math in college. Oh and please, don’t use highly-technical words. It doesn’t make anybody sound smarter, nor like you know what you’re talking about. Using big words won’t impress me and make me stop asking questions or pestering anybody.  If you can’t explain it, then it means you don’t understand it well enough yourself. 
3. They didn’t promise anything - In my book, PMs should never ever ever promise anything. Especially since last time I checked, we are still in a world where “anything can happen”. Deadlines can be pushed, Requirements change, Earths quake and a sneeze from the other end of the world can so much as cause a hurricane on the opposite end. So don’t promise me anything. Don’t promise me that the site will be fast and there will no longer be any downtimes. Don’t promise me that you know what you’re doing. Because sooner or later those promises will come and bite you in the ass. And in this team, honesty is always the best policy.
4. They consulted - They didn’t decide to do things on their own. They didn’t change specs just because they thought it would be better. They asked. Because in the first place, it’s not their place to do so without consulting with the business owner first. At the end of the day, it’s my project, it’s my business – I make the decisions (or in some cases I consult with other people who should be making the decisions). Granted that in some cases, your way can be better or it makes more sense – OK. But at least have the decency to consult with me. Coz in the project food chain, business owners trump project managers in the decision making.
5. They were trustworthy - Sometimes it’s all about the hips. There’s a certain aura that is needed for Project Managers. It’s this aura that makes people trust you and trust what you’re saying. When I ask for something, I want to feel that I’m sure I will get what I asked for (on time and correctly). If you don’t think you can deliver it on time, then say so. If you have questions, then ask them. Because when you don’t do any of those and you come back to me late, and with the wrong requirement – then I will never ever trust you again. And when I don’t trust you, I don’t want to work with you.
6. They recognized that I am the business owner - Bypass me and I will wring your neck. I don’t care if you consulted with the CEO (of the other company, to be exact). He doesn’t make the decisions for this project, I do (and by I, I mean after I’ve consulted with our big boss, the marketing head, and the rest of the team involved with the project). So yeah, even if you’ve consuted with him, it doesn’t change the fact that I no longer need to know what’s going on. In fact, I need to know what’s going more than he does. And you need me to know what’s going on, because at the end of the day, I have a say in your evaluation.

So basically my new PM isn’t any of the above. But I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s only been less than a month. If he doesn’t change after we’ve talked, then I will strangle him.

I recently made my list of things to do before I’m 30. I’ll be 30 in 3 years and several months so the pressure is on! I realized that most of the things on my list are travel related.

Some things on my list.

1. Sleeper train across South East Asia
2. Backpack across Europe
3. A month in a different country – or at least a month travelling.
4. Bagel in New York
5. Batanes
6. Japan
7. Volunteer (Immersion style)

(was supposed to post this last night but internet connection was being a bitch so… here’s my post 1 day later)

My sister left for Canada 4 hours ago. She’s probably somewhere in HKIA right now waiting for her connecting flight to board. I asked her to eat Chicken Rice for me.

The house is so quiet it’s depressing. I’ve started to move in to her room. Cleared out some of her old stuff that she didn’t want to be shipped to her along with some of her clothes/shoes/bags/books. I have yet to figure out where to put her school stuff (books,papers,notes) that we didn’t want to throw out. Right now, her floor is covered with plastic bags filled with trash while my room is a calamity area full of her things (as well as mine) to be stowed. I haven’t transfered my clothes and books yet.

I’m posting this from her room. Which is now technically, my room.

I think the reason why I’m 10x sadder than I ought to be is because she and I haven’t been close til after I graduated college. Before that we were always fighting and I refused to tell her anything. I always saw her to be the “perfect daughter” that I always get compared to. And for the longest time, I thought she hated me. Suffice to say, we didn’t use to get along.

Fast forward to after college, she was the only person I could ask about finding work, borrow interview clothes from, and count on to be objective about stuff. I realized just then that being “on my side” didn’t necessarily mean sharing the same opinions I had. It was only then did I accept that she knew more than I did and that she wasn’t so bad after all.

And since then she’s been my favorite travel, food trip, shopping, movie, true blood marathon, etc etc etc – buddy.

I know I should be happy for her. She’s got loads of opportunities waiting for her in Canada. She’s on her own, and has tons of adventures to look forward to.

And I am. I am happy for her.

I just can’t help but feel lonely and sad for myself.

So I guess this brings me to my goal. CANADA and GREECE 2012! I can’t very well let her have all the fun.

cheers to my sister who’s off having a grand adventure.

Now that I’m 25…

It doesn’t feel like I’m anywhere near seeing my dreams turn into reality.

I don’t even remember what my dreams are anymore.

What have I done all these years? I’m so close to saying nothing.

Cheating Bastards should have their penises cut off.

Douche bag Story 1:

Ate M and E have been together for 10 years. 10 years!! Everything seems to be well until Ate M finds out that E has been cheating on her. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. E is actually in some sort of relationship with this other girl, S – and they’ve been together for 2 years now. More or less, If I’ve got my stories straight. But that’s just unimportant details.

The point here is that E is an absolute douche. And S is a slut with self esteem issues to get into a relationship with a guy who’s with somebody else. But I really could care less about S. She has her friends to worry about her welfare (if you can call people who let you stay in a relationship with a guy who’s been together with another girl for 10 years, friends).

E on the other hand should get bitch slapped by 10 million Shivas. Why do that? Why ruin a 10 year relationship only to get defensive and grovel when caught?

And secondly why send messages like this to Ate M’s sister?

“i didn’t ask u to lyk, trust me. we nvr interfere w/ ur lives. she’ll still listen 2 me, wer fixing our lives so don’t interfere. its our lives nt urs.shes old enuf to dsys herself. we’ll still get marry if we dsyddd 2.”

Although odds are saying that this isn’t E texting, we’d like to assume that this is his doing just to keep S out of this post.

First: Honey, your grammar is atrocious. I don’t know if that’s just driven by raw emotions but well we can safely say that that message isn’t doing anything to help your cause, E.

As for S, he did it once. And to the girl he supposedly wants to marry. What makes you so sure he won’t do it to you too?

Douche Bag Story 2:

Ate A is married with 2 kids with M. Now M comes home saying he’s got another girl pregnant. To this all I can say is: OFF WITH HIS PENIS!

–

Why do guys cheat? I refuse to believe that it’s built in in their system. And they can’t help it. I have guy friends who have never cheated on their girlfriends. My dad has never cheated on my mom. My friends’ dads have never cheated on their moms.

Only morons would accept cheating to be a fact of life. And only bigger morons would allow themselves to be the other woman/man. Why let yourself go through that? Why would you think so low of yourself to think that you don’t deserve somebody better? By somebody better I mean some guy who’s not a douche.

Anyway for the people who will take the “but we’re happy and we’re in love” road… Then break up with your girlfriends first if you’re really so unhappy with her. And then you’re free to fuck around. It’s actually common sense.

So to the people who like to defend douche bags who cheat on their girlfriends (of 10 years), grow a brain. If this actually happened to you, would you be so pro-S and pro-E?

Repeat after me folks, CHEATING IS NEVER OK!

Nothing says “The End” better than a broken red headband.
2007 seems so long ago and I’m not the least bit sad for it.

While we wait for me to get around to having my films developed and scanned, I leave you with quotes that hit you in the right spots from a movie that broke my heart into 20 million little pieces.

SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL

Keith Nelson: You can’t tell a book by its cover.
Watts: No, but you can tell how much it’s gonna cost you.
Keith Nelson: Wow, I never knew you were so deep.
Watts: You want shallow, call Amanda Jones.

Keith Nelson: I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so hard on you.
Watts: Me too.
Keith Nelson: You always hurt the ones you love.
Watts: So when are you going to beat the shit out of Amanda Jones?

Watts: You break his heart, I break your face.

Watts: Because I’m driving you crazy and you’re driving me crazy and I’d rather not see you and have you think good things about me than have you see me and hate me. ‘Cause I can’t afford to have you hate me, Keith. The only things I care about in this goddamn life are me and my drums and you.

Watts: [putting on Keith's diamond earrings] What do you think?
Keith: You look good wearing my future.

And that last line up there, my friends, is when the fauces just couldn’t stop leaking. To all the WATTS in the world, A TOAST TO ALL OF YOU! You guys are my hero. :)

After seeing that movie, I went home to watch She’s All That.

Hehe.

I think I may have forgotten what it’s like just to hang out with friends. Being sick, socially inept and broke – have all done wonders to my already fragile social life.

Although finally owning this sure beats the blues (even if only a little). This book burned a right big hole in both my pockets, but I have to say that it’s worth every centavo.

Blankets, by Craig Thompson.

Now if only somebody would buy Goodbye Chunky Rice for me.

Day 27 – October 10, 2009. I can’t remember what I thought was so awesome about this doll. I got it when I was 8 as a present from My mom and my sister who just came back from their Hong Kong Trip. Meh. It’s a creepy looking doll. The type to come to life in the middle of the night and stab you with a carrot stick until you bleed to death. Even as a kid, I had questionable tastes.

Day 28 – October 11, 2009. Going with the murder by carrot stick theme, here’s my cat ready to claw the love out of me. Or that’s just him looking fierce. He’s been watching way too much Project Runway, if you ask me.

The next set of Project 365 pictures all the way up to Day 35 (aka Real Time) are all craptastic! Not to say that all my other pictures up til Day 26 were great, because I’m not saying that coz they’re not. It’s just that I don’t know… they’re all suffering from focus failure, over/underexposure, poor framing and all that. All 7 days worth of pictures. I’m going through a slump. So bear with me. I’m just trying to finish the project here.