I’ve been reading travel blogs lately (solesisters, justwandering, to name a few) and I was hit by an overwhelming feeling of sadness immediately after I’ve hit that x button on the right side of the tab (yey for tabbed browsers). Clothesline, side-swiped, train wreck of a sadness.

I’ve been to 3 places outside the Philippines. Just 3. Hongkong, Thailand and Singapore. Within the country I’ve been to quite a few (Pangasinan, Baguio, Ilocos, Sagada, Banawe, Quezon, Laguna, Cavite, Batangas, Palawan, Cebu, Bohol, Davao, CDO)- the operative word here being few. And every bone in my body is saying – nay, screaming: THAT’S NOT ENOUGH, BITCH! Yes, I can be pretty harsh on myself sometimes.

I’ve made a lot of lists over the past 27 years (well 7 since I only started making lists when I graduated) and most of them were list of places I wanted to go to and things I want to do when I get there. My lists are 7 years old (revised over the years) but essentially they still remain the same. I still want to live in a house with a blue door in Notting Hill. I still want to walk the streets of Prague. Maybe find a vampire or 2 in Romania (or not). And get eaten by mosquitos in Australia. I want to stay in Sagada for 3 weeks and just drink coffee and smoke a j, and read my books, get to know the people who come and go. And drink tequila in the middle of the day in Mexico.

San Cristobal, Mexico (image from National Geographic)

My passport is depressingly blank. And I’ve come up with a ton of reasons that prevent me from just packing my bags and get going.

1. I’m broke.
2. With my dad’s passing – my family kinda needs me to be with them right now.
3. Whatever money I’m making, it needs to go to the family fund. Being the breadwinner right now, I just can’t afford to spend my money on just myself
4. I have a job. And a demanding (and taxing one) at that.
5. Did I mention that I was broke?

At this rate, with all these excuses I would never get anywhere.

I’ve read about how some travelers just decided to leave their life. They sold their belongings, made their entire life fit into 2 luggage (some in just 1 backpack). And up they went, living their life continuously in transit. Not quite home, but definitely at home. Did that make sense? In my head, it did.  Live, they did.

And I keep thinking, “Can I do that?”

At this point in my life, I would honestly say no. I can’t. Not yet. I can’t quit my job. My family depends on me financially. Plus I love it (it’s a love-hate relationship actually but that’s a different blog post) I can’t leave my family indefinitely, we need to be together to keep strong. And these are not just excuses to not be able to do what I’ve always wanted to do. These are my realities.

So where does that leave me and my dreams? I don’t want to wait til I’m 40 before I can see the rest of the world.

But after much thinking (well not really, just about 5 minutes of emo and some tea), I’ve come to realize that there’s really nothing stopping me from doing what it is that I want. Just myself and my lack of creativity and my 10000000 excuses. I’m just lazy.

Maybe I can’t quit my job, sell my things and live a backpacker’s life. At least not yet. But that doesn’t mean I can’t take advantage of my 25-day leaves a year and use them? I keep saying that I’m broke but that’s my fault too. Just last weekend, I bought a ton of books and 2 dresses, and insisted on eating out for the most part of the holiday. And how much did that cost me? And I think my family won’t mind if I’m gone a few days to sort myself out instead of a few months.

I just need to get off my lazy bum, stop complaining and do something.

1. Save. – that pretty much sums up everything that I have to do. Cut back on unnecessary expenses. I have a lot of books that are still in their plastic wrapping so I shouldn’t buy more. I have clothes that I’ve only used once so I don’t need to buy new ones. I pretty much live in my sneakers and my boots so why do I need to buy that pretty black flats I know I will never wear outside the house anyway?
2. Start an Escape Fund (as the sole sisters would put it) – I can’t keep on dipping into my savings for whenever I want to travel. That’s not responsible (for me, at least, given my circumstances). I need to have a separate fund for this. Force myself to work towards a goal, and then reward myself afterwards. And this way, I don’t shirk on my responsibilities at home and yet still have money to do as I please (book the next flight outta here!).
3. Plan – I keep saying I want to go to this place and that. I keep checking flights whenever there’s an airfare sale. I read Lonely Planet articles and guides. And then what? Nothing. I stop at that. I’ve never really gotten around to making an actual itinerary. Plan my finances so I can budget. How much do I need to save? What’s my expected expense? When do I plan on going so I can plan my leaves for that. I used to just buy plane tickets on an whim and say “bahala na” after. But this isn’t sustainable if I want to keep doing this all the time.
4. Talk to my family – make them understand that I need this. For myself. For my sanity. They’ve never been bitten by the travel bug but they understand that I’m at this point in my life wherein I need to explode in a karaoke supernova (TM Ben Folds) and just be out there.

Just 4 things. 4 things that I need to do to get a taste of my dream. Maybe 2 weeks in Vietnam isn’t the same as spending 3 months hopping on trains and buses, exploring the Thailand countryside and then crossing the border to get to Myanmar. Maybe not. But 2 weeks is better than nothing. In 2 weeks, I can still have coffee with friends I’ve met on the road, exchange stories and maybe a few laughs. Have a beer by the beach and review the pictures I took of the architectural marvel I’ve been in just the day before. 2 weeks is enough time for me to see a part of the world. In 2 weeks, I can go rafting in Bontoc and see locals prepare Pinikpikan. In 2 weeks, I can stay in Ilo-ilo and then cross Dumaguete. In 2 weeks, I can taste as many Bicol Express as I want on my way to Donsol. A lot can be done in 2 weeks.

Maybe I’ll want more. Eventually the need to to quit my job and just cross countries in Europe will be harder and harder to curb. Eventually. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

Right now, I’ll take what I can get. Anything to see the world outside of my 4 cornered room.

Who said you can’t have your cake and eat it too? Obviously he hasn’t taken a knife and cut himself a slice.

Just so I wouldn’t seem like a complete drama queen, here are the 3 shots salvaged from my roll of 12. I have no idea what happened to the other 9, but they didn’t show when I had this roll processed. I’d like to put the blame on the guy who x-proed my roll and wasted 200 bucks of my hard earned cash.

p.s. i fail at not sounding like a complete drama queen.

I haven’t missed a single book fair since I was 8. The event used to be held at Megamall’s Mega Trade Hall (both A and B. there were so many participants that they couldn’t fit everybody in just one trade hall). Then they moved the event into an even bigger venue, World Trade Center in Pasay. Then the participants dwindled in number. They moved to SMX at the SM Mall Of Asia last year. At first, I thought, “Waw ang shala.” The place did look fancy compared to WTC (although WTC is still home for kick ass conventions and bazaars for me), but it meant that the Book Fair was much smaller (or at least it did to me. WTC still “sounds” bigger than SMX.). And right, I was.

This year was even smaller than last year’s book fair. It used to be that the big name players were Goodwill, Bookmark, National Bookstore, Powerbooks and even Fully Booked. Fully Booked stopped joining in on the fun ever since their huge ass building opened in High Street (I still maintain that that bookstore reminds me too much of F.O.X. Books – a cookie for you if you can guess the movie reference.). This year though was the biggest shock of all. Cue in Beethoven’s Symphony number 5.

Powerbooks was nowhere to be found. And so was Bookmark (an institution in Book Fair). And Goodwill’s booth has considerably gotten small. They used to own the place up until last year. They had one of the biggest spaces and had loads of cheap good books. But now… we almost walked past it.

The place was packed with booths that sold medical books and religious books. There were even booths selling computer services, if not computers. WHERE WERE THE GOOD BOOKS???

Apparently they were all at Fully Booked/Powerbooks who are now too good for Book Fair.

My heart just cried.

But that doesn’t mean I didn’t manage to spend nearly all my money and come home with quite the good haul.

Took home the following:

• Volume 1 to Neil Gaiman’s Sandman Series (Preludes and Nocturnes)
• Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
• Slam by Nick Hornby
• The Wind Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami (which I got for P130 for the win!)
• And 2 back issues of National Geographic Magazine (one was from the 70s the other was from 89)

And also took home this baby:

I wonder what the next Book Fair will be like. Baka naman wala na libro dun?