Captain’s log Day: 129
“Welcome to Barcelona”, they said; when I told them that I walked out of the metro station and found that my bag was open and I was missing a phone (the company phone, of all things!).
Who knew that having my phone stolen would have opened up a can of worms for me in terms of feelings that I didn’t even know I have been keeping bottled up inside me since I got here.
I’m alone. I’ve always called it “I’m by myself.” Not alone, because the word “alone” has always had a negative connotation to it that I didn’t like. Yeah, I didn’t have my friends and my family with me here right now; but I was ok with that. Was being the operative word here. When I first found out that I lost my phone, the first thing I did was to call a friend of mine who I was with on the metro (I had another phone). I just needed to say it out loud. But I couldn’t tell him that I was actually crying about it, or that the incident made me feel scared and vulnerable and that it made me start thinking about several worse things that can happen to me here. And for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to call any of my friends or family back home because I want them to think that I’m ok. Because I’ve seemingly pushed away a couple of them for wanting to be 100% present in where I am. Because I’m avoiding. Because I’m evading. Like I always do. And by calling any of them, I know I’ll be forced to deal with other things that I’ve pushed back for the longest time when all I want to do is cry about the missing phone and all of the feelings it brought with it.
Because I didn’t feel safe. I felt vulnerable. It made me realize that more terrible things can happen and I will have to deal with all of them by myself now. No more condos in Makati to run away to when things are home are overwhelming me, or best friends to call at 6 am when I can’t sleep because life has been uncooperative again, or impromptu weekend drives to clear my head because decisions have been made and I’m not 100% comfortable with them. No more. Now, when shit hits the fan, I have to clean them up on my own.
Maybe that’s part of growing up. And all these things, they’re just growing pains. But they’re still pains. And there was a hurt in my heart that I guess I should start calling — loneliness. And I guess I’m going to feel that way for awhile. Because that’s how I deal with things. I put up walls and refuse to acknowledge the fact that sometimes I need help. And I know I can always change that — but I don’t know how. And I’m not even sure if I want to.
I’m just rambling. Like I said. Stolen phone turned out to be the straw that broke this camel’s back. Feelings and things — they’re out the bag now. I’m not sure how to deal with them still. But they’re out. I can either stuff them back in again or face them head on. I haven’t decided yet. For now, I’m just acknowledging. And it looks like I’m still running away from them. My pace is slower now — hence it managed to catch up with me. But I’m still running. Maybe I’ll stop. Maybe. I’ll let you know once I’ve figured out what to do.
But right now, I will admit that I’m not ok. And that’s how far I will go in terms of whatever this is.