Christmas is still 71 sleeps away but I’m already dreading it.
I love Christmas, don’t get me wrong. I think Christmas is the 2nd most important day of the year (1st would be my birthday, of course).
For me, Christmas is a huge production number I spend weeks preparing for. I love to buy Christmas presents for everybody — customized, specific to the person the present is for. Christmas dinner is planned, what to cook (well what to ask the mother to cook, or in the recent years — what to order from a catering service my mom’s friend owns), very carefully. All time favourites are requested and served. On the morning of Christmas eve, the Christmas cake we ordered will be picked up and taken home. The 24th is always a rush of pots, pans, phone calls, and unexpected visitors. And eggnogs. Eggnogs all day and drunk by midnight just in time for midnight mass. And then there’s the Christmas dinner. With the family. Although, Christmas dinners have been a lot less fun since my dad died – a full table, all dressed up (sometimes), and for a good number of hours, family drama is packed away and set aside for next time. At 2am, I take out the car and go see some friends for more food but with proper alcohol now and pop music until the sun rises. And then there’s December 26. Doctor Who Christmas episode at Jen’s. More eggnog while having a rom-com movie marathon in my pajamas until December 27. And then there are the days leading up to New Year’s eve and then the few days after that until it’s time to go back to work… but that’s another story.
I love Christmas. Christmas is awesome. Except for this year’s.
Apparently I’m spending Christmas by myself this year. No family flying in. No friends either. My sister is staying in Canada with her in-laws because well, she thought it was for the best. While my mother is staying in Manila because anything below 25 degrees is freezing for her. And it’s quite depressing. Nobody’s supposed to spend Christmas alone. And why am I not flying out instead? Because Canada uninvited me. And tickets to Manila are ridiculously expensive (Also you wouldn’t want to be in Manila in the middle of the Christmas crazy unless you’re ok to be stuck at home for 2 weeks straight because the alternative is to be stuck in the roads for 6 hours because traffic is not moving. And no I’m not exaggerating).
I’ll probably still call Jen at 3am so we can watch the Doctor Who Christmas episode “together” (via Skype). I’ll still watch Love Actually, A Lot Like Love, and the usual suspects in my pajamas while I sip eggnogs — scratch that. Forget about eggnogs. I’ll probably be drinking wine straight from the bottle. Wine. Wine will help me survive this major disaster. No use making (or buying) a huge Christmas dinner spread if I’m the only person on the table. So I’ll spend my food money on wine instead.
On the bright side, I don’t have to go to midnight mass this year.
I’m very upset though. For being uninvited from the white Christmas in Canada I was looking forward to. For being afraid of spending Christmas alone. And for being determined to hate this year’s Christmas because it’s not going the way I planned it to be.
The thing is, I don’t know how to feel not upset. And I fear that this feeling will just get worse the closer we get to D-Day. While I’m ok to be alone 90% of the time, there are just days that I don’t want to be. Days like Christmas — days that are meant to be spent with people who mean the most to you. Like family. Like friends. The people you love. And instead, I’ll be looking forward to spending Christmas this year, in bed, with 300 bottles of wine, and a long list of movies I intend to watch until it’s time to go back to work and time to stop feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully I’ll be numbed out by the alcohol to notice that I’m upset.
It can be worse. Maybe. But right now, this already feels like the worst thing that can ever happen to me.
Tune in for more “I’m dreading the holidays” drama. For sure, there will be more. Afterwards, there’s also New Year’s Eve and the “I’ve only ever wanted 1 thing for NYE for the past 15 years and it’s 2017 and I still haven’t gotten it. Universe why won’t you give it to me?” drama to talk about.